Perplexity

  Here is what Master Boshan says about the great doubt of birth and death: "Your inability to shatter this barrier of birth and death will suddenly arouse the doubt--like a curled knot on our eyelashes, which you are unable to untangle or get rid of" (Master Sheng Yen, Attaining the Way, p.7). I am reminded of those math problems in school that are so frustrating to solve, yet we spend hours engaged on it in the hope of finally breaking through to resolve it. Is the doubt like this? What drives that urgent desire to resolve this great doubt?

  I would have to say that one must respect the process here, over and above the actual solution. What good is the solution, for instance, if it comes from a textbook or is somehow given to us? The important part is not solving the problem but of how this process opens up and softens us to a place where there are no neat solutions, and everything is in a constant state of unfolding and constant flux. Wanting to know and have the answer prematurely is perhaps the sign that we associate not knowing with a sense of threat--that feeling we get when we haven't properly prepared for an important test or exam, for example. 

What can doubt do to us? Maybe this doubt is about realizing that there was no real ground for my being after all, since my true nature is impermanent. By exposing myself to the continual doubt of the everyday world (not getting caught in habitual thoughts, being vulnerable to present moment confusion, yet being grounded in the body), I am exploring a different aspect that is neither born nor dies. It is just in a constant state of leaving! Well, this would be how to see the huatou as a practical tool for living.