Public Speaking and "Facing the Other"

 Tonight, I had the opportunity to facilitate a talk that took place at Emmanuel College, on the subject of Jack Miller's book Love and Compassion: Exploring Their Role in Education. When I stepped up to the podium, I was completely frazzled. I am not sure what the reason is, but often, I do sense an inner judge, as well as a feeling of being overwhelmed by "many others." And this also lead me to reflect on the notion of "Other" that the other panelist, Tom Reynolds, explores in his article "Love Without Boundaries: Theological Reflections on Parenting a Child with Disabilities". I have a few random observations which I will say here on these subjects.
  First off, about the notion of "being overwhelmed at the sight of many Others": is this "healthy" or "unhealthy"? Somehow, I have a sense that our culture pathologizes this feeling of "overwhelmed by the Other", as though it were a sign of inexperience, lack of confidence, or some kind of inner lack. To feel vulnerable in front of a crowd of people often feels as though one has to cover up this anxiety with some theory, some idea, or some method. But as Tom Reynolds has suggested in his writings (as well as Jack through his classroom circles), the notion of being open and witnessing to one's anxiety with others might not be a bad thing at all. Sometimes when a person just allows her or himself to be with those emotions, they turn out to be very exhilarating. I found that even though I was quite dry and nervous after the panel, this nervousness felt almost ecstatic, taking me out of this habitual "self" and allowing me to be fully with discomfort.
    The standard cultural interpretation that goes with fear of public speaking is something like: if you are "nervous" when speaking in front of others, then it means that you haven't developed enough resilience when doing public speaking. I have heard all number of explanations or techniques used to overcome such a fear: for instance, my co-worker advised me to "look at the audience's foreheads" rather than their eyes. Such ideas suggest a kind of metaphor of "armoring" oneself or "arming" myself with knowledge to address potential criticism or judgement.  But, as I reflect on my personal experience in public speaking tonight, I wonder, is this the "correct" way of looking at it? Or might the feeling of nervousness really a kind process of opening up which challenges these hardened edges of looking at "my comfort", "my competence", and the other hardened, presumably "certain" ideas I have about myself? Could this anxiety I feel be seen as a kind of spiritual ecstasis, or going beyond the cherished ideas I have about myself?
   I think that when I am more open to a different, revised understanding of what happens when I speak in public, then I am no longer scrambling for ways to secure my sense of self. This could be the awakening of a kind of compassionate "being with" others---one that is not constantly guarded, and which might even be open to the vulnerability of fellow "others". The same goes with other situations in which my comfortable, secure sense of "this is who I am" gets challenged on all sides. When I stop looking for these safe "refuges" by which I defend and define who I am, then my anxiety can be seen more as an exhilarating "letting go" of what I formerly used to define who I am.