The Faces of Despair

  Sometimes suffering is like a crucible through which we can observe what bothers us. I have observed within myself two forms of extreme suffering, which turn discomfort into something truly terrible. The one is what I call "the dire need for recognition"--a wish that others validate who I am, particularly when I am in prolonged social situations. The other is the belief that discomfort is permanent. This second form of suffering is more pervasive than the first, and certainly more subtle. I will talk about these in the next sections.

   I think the wish for validation somehow comes not only from just "wanting to have a face" but also comes from wanting to feel connected with others, yet not knowing how to do so if I am only in the position of a listener. This comes from a limited view that only "speakers" are the ones who have a valid place in a social setting, which is inaccurate. Without listening, speaking would not have much of a meaning. And I think that even if a person is not the best listener, at least their being in that situation gives them an opportunity to learn from others in some significant way. When I am able to focus on my meditation during those moments, I begin to realize that I am also identifying myself with some notion of a face: the image of how I think others see me. And when I don't feel that I have a favorable or positive face to others, I feel a pressure to manage the face by speaking our or saying something important or profound. But what if this were not my real nature? What if the true nature were something deeper, which does not depend on others for affirmation, since all these affirmations are merely phenomena?

  The second is a more pervasive belief in the permanence of suffering. I believe that something is going to last forever, when in fact it is only the result of temporary conditions that arise in one isolated moment. Now here's an exercise: the next time you feel some kind of vexation, loneliness, despair, etc. try to "estimate" how long the feeling will last, and write it down somewhere. Then, time how long you have that exact feeling you are having. Afterward, compare the time you predicted to the actual time when you felt bad. How was it for you? Chances are, when we are in a bad mood, we imagine something to be longer in duration than it actually is. And that is because we imagine something bad to project onward and forward into the indefinite future when in fact it's rarely ever going to last that long, whatever we are feeling.