Prayerful Attitude

  It seems that the way to all spiritual practice is toward surrender: surrender of what we think we are and even where we think we are going. It is losing even the sense of 'being lost', since to 'feel lost' assumes a kind of fixed reference point which tells us we are lost. This kind of spiritual surrender knows no pride. It admits to its own foolishness. It is none other than the process of losing the authority within that thinks it somehow knows better, in favor of an unknowing and infinitely yielding kind of stance toward life.
    During the group meditation tonight, I was suffering from all kinds of anxieties, particularly reflecting all the changes happening in work. It was sometime during the second half of the sitting that a desperation set in of not being able to let go of anxiety. And at that point, I just surrendered. Surrendered to what? I think I surrendered to my own fallibility--my inability to let go on my own. And when I finally gave up trying to let go, that was when I was really able to let go and keep coming back to the present. And what arose was a kind of sadness. It's as though throughout my life, I have kept the illusion up that I could have this ability to let go anytime and anywhere. In fact, no such ability comes from any self. And this is quite painful to know, because it means that I am not really 'belonging to me'. I am not in charge of what is happening or unfolding in life. But in another sense, life's changes force a person to shed this armored illusion that one is always prepared for anything. This is a kind of false feeling of independence that often doesn't bear out in daily life.
    The positive side of it is that there can be a liberating feeling that arises when a person realizes that there is nothing they need to control in their life. It's the freedom of not trying to seek out any mind trick to feel more confident than one is or more 'knowing' than one is. But what I experienced tonight was a kind of mini-grieving. It is so hard to give up the 'self that prepares for everything': this kind of imaginary complex that has arisen after many years of conditioning myself to think I am preparing for every contingency, every emotion and every nuance that arises. This self is actually illusory and based on habits. And one has to trust in something that is much vaster than these habits. I think that regardless of what practice one uses, trusting something bigger than oneself is so crucial.
    In a sense, I think that prayer is very much in line with this idea. But it's easy to distort prayer into a kind of 'getting what one wants' or trying to strike a bargain with the universe. Can prayer not be about that at all? Prayer is more about a relationship with something greater than oneself which cannot be controlled. I am not sure what that higher thing is and I am hesitant to call it anything but the orientation of prayer is similar across different faiths. But again, I think the stance is more important than the 'object' of prayer. It is not about praying 'for something to happen' (or not to happen) but more the way one prays: the aspect of no longer asking for any result in particular, but letting some greater principle guide us and not relying on our previous memories and habits to make decisions or react to things.