A City of Gold

  Prior to the group meditation during the setup, a feeling of loneliness hung over me. I started to realize how much in my life I have let the past guide what I expect to happen in the future. I have also used the past as a way to deal with the anxiety of the uncertain present, never realizing that this same 'past' is just generating more thoughts and anxieties in itself. Even the past is unfolding in this very moment of time. What happens when I get entangled in these many thoughts? Soon enough, the thoughts turn into these expectations and demands from within. They are 'projected outward' in the form of what I imagine others to expect from me. This is crazy thinking:  I am only bound to expectations (whether my own or others) when I choose to be. The mind itself is not actually bound by anything, much less any arrangement
    Our group facilitator used a very wonderful comparison. He remarked about how an unattached existence consists precisely in the attitude that a person has essentially finished everything and has nothing more to complete in their life. From this attitude flows the compassion to treat others in a way that suits their needs. And how does one carry such an attitude from moment to moment? One participant in the meditation referred to this attitude as one of pure faith, but also a faith that doesn't attach to a particular object or image. It might also be the faith of letting go: letting go, I don't lose the true nature of who I am.
      Yet another analogy that the facilitator used was that of a city made of gold. If everything in every place is made of gold, there would be nothing wanting in any situation. It wouldn't be about 'getting the next thing' to build oneself up, or trying to save one's self from 'losing'  value. Value is essentially everywhere in everything, even in one's deepest and darkest depression. Is this an easy attitude to develop, much less maintain? Again, I would  have to say it requires the fearless attitude of knowing that there is simply nothing new to gain or to lose. There is no special thing just around the corner, and there is no terrible punishment around the corner either. So long as I am not attaching to an outcome, how can there be reward or punishment? If the moment in itself is treated as precious and with gratitude, is there a need for a reward in the next moment?  
    With this attitude, I think that one can learn to focus on the joys of the moment, and let go of trying to make an impression or do something special to win favors. Part of why this is so is that even if I make someone happy one moment, that moment is going to change to something else. Can I ever please someone all the time? This would be like trying to suit a particular image, a little bit like those cutouts you see in carnivals where you stick your head in the hole to look like you are someone else. How is this possible much less tenable? The alternative is to say that every moment is the perfect moment: not something to be embellished upon or 'decorated' nicely, but just this moment as it is. All it takes is an attitude change to see that the present moment is fine as it is and has a lot of potential to become many different things, if one is willing to stay with it joyfully.
     Is this attitude possible? I am writing this blog not because I embody these attitudes perfectly (I hardly do, in fact), but because these attitudes represent for me the best that life has to offer. And they are reminders for me whenever I become overwhelmed with thoughts of what I should be, or think I should be, those inner 'oughts' that create anxiety for me.