How do we know when to cut depressive thoughts and when to allow them to happen? Isn't that a funny question? Although it sounds strange, I have found from my own experiences that we often feel we deserve to be sad when we are truly sad. It's as though there were some evolutionary advantage to depressive thoughts that necessitates dwelling in that place for as long as we can until we can "soak in" in the unique lessons that it contains. While some of this might be true or even validated by science, I am not so sure if it's necessary to stay in a depressed state for very long. Solomon, in his book Noonday Demon, reminds readers about recent hypotheses which view depression as a survival mechanism that ensures we do not keep repeating the same destructive patterns again and again. What better way to do so than to make a person too sad to enjoy or even perform their regular routines? That's the (un)power of depression, alas.
I think that when a person feels paralyzed by a mood of numbness or despair, that's a sign that they need to examine their thinking to see what is taking them to that place. Some psychologists focus on self esteem and the need to feel competent or to develop self mastery over certain disciplines (see Basch, 1988, p.29). But when a person is really feeling down (as everyone from time to time does), it might not be helpful to focus on trying to get a person to perform competently in that moment. After all, their energy may be so consumed in self-downing or nihilistic thoughts that they hardly have the energy to sustain a competency in some favored pursuit or hobby. Instead, in those particular moments, it might be more helpful to focus on whether or not these thoughts of worthlessness are really helping a person. Are they actually true? Or are these thoughts merely serving to make a person immobilized?
Our experiences with other people can teach us a thing or two in this area. Often when a person is feeling despairing about something they are not particularly proud of or might have "screwed up" on, they are so emphatic about that particular shortcoming while downplaying things that they are able to do. In these situations, it's impossible to convince a person that they have values which outweigh the thing they think they did so terribly. But it is possible to say, "well, even if this were true, what or who is it serving?" Simply dwelling on a negative experience does not make it better or "redeem" a person. On the contrary, it often conditions a person to become immobile and passive when in fact there are many choices available for that person to enrich their life and those around them.
The idea that feeling bad is a way to eventually feel good may have come from an early form of "accidental" conditioning which goes something like: if I look sad or blue, eventually someone comes over and comforts me or gives me attention. But of course, this is not at all necessarily the case, and a better idea is for a person to find ways to self-soothe in those difficult moments rather than looking to others for affirmation. If I cling to the idea that my depressive mood will eventually lead others to care for me is also a rude awakening: most people do not want to be around depression that much that they would want to take care of it, on top of which they may have their own depressive episodes to deal with. Here, the important thing is to recognize the emotion and why a person is sustaining it, as well as to ask whether doing so is really productive or not.
Basch, Franz Michael (1988). Understanding Psychotherapy: The Science Behind the Art. San Francisco: Harper Collins
Solomon, Andrew (2001). The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. New York: Simon and Schuster
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