The Value of Isolation

 Over the last couple of days, I had a chance to read a few things and watch lecturer (who is an eminent child psychologist) talk about the theme of childhood development. One of the things the lecturer talked about was how child development requires a great deal of bonding with parental figures. This bonding is not about attaching to the parent with anxiety but more about providing 'holding spaces' where it feels safe to be on one's own, knowing that the parental guide is always available when required. But in order for a child to truly develop, she or he needs to tolerate times when the parent is not emotionally available, without interpreting these periods of unavailability as devastating or corrupting of a child's regularity. This is why it is important for children to have a space of their own so that they can learn to be resilient even when there is no constant coddling or 'stroking' available from the parent.
    I tend to agree with those of the likes of Ian Suttie (author of Origins of Love and Hate) who tended to see it as normal for even adult human beings to require stroking in the form of human support. People need to feel somewhat important to other people, in order to insure that their world doesn't seem unreliable to them. Of course, there also needs to be a genuine insight into how I create this world of unreliability through my thinking about things in a certain way. If I believe my own thoughts that others are always, at all times, unreliable, I forge the fact that people can and do help when the need and circumstances arise. Perhaps the trick is to let go of always expecting to be rewarded with the emotional support of others when life gets difficult.
   I know that for myself, in periods of isolation, I have the chance to test my own thinking. In a sense, meditation also provides a kind of space where one can see which thoughts are so compelling, and form interpretations of others' intentions which may or may not be true. But at the same time, isolation always needs to return back to something in order to become meaningful: it needs to have a context. Even people who study in the mountains for years need to be able to take their practice back down to the marketplace where people thrive. This is because the real insight of isolation is interconnection. By learning to better tolerate periods when others are not sustaining me, I have this great opportunity to expand my heart even when there is no reward or mutual regard. This is a real test of how deeply one has found their own true heart, rather than getting caught in a chronic need for approval to feel safe or assured.  I can't say that I am particularly 'good' at this process, but wish to outline what I understand about it.