Empathy

 I am reflecting tonight about this whole self-psychology movement which I had learned about while taking an undergraduate course in psychotherapy at York University (I must have been about 23 at the time). What I remembered from that course is that Heinz Kohut, one of the founders of 'self-based' psychology, was concerned with a process where selves emerge that are capable of soothing themselves when things don't go according to plan, thus developing a kind of inner resilience in the face of challenges. According to this view, a narcissistic personality (or at least a dysfunctional one) arises when there is a failure to develop certain kinds of empathic connections with  a parental figure, which would in turn allow the child to fully integrate parenting, soothing elements into one's personality. Therapy comes into play when a trained caregiver starts to take on or transcend the role of the 'lost' parent who didn't fully equip the growing person into someone who is capable of supporting herself or creating self-soothing within themselves in the face of challenges. The therapist starts to heal the patient's spirit by allowing the patient to sufficiently mirror the kinds of empathy that the therapist shows the patient, thus allowing the patient an insight into her own being.
    Some of what is described in this theory 'mirrors' (pardon my pun) the genuine efforts of bodhisattvas. It's been said many times recently, in different contexts, that a bodhisattva's actions are not in any way intended to convert a person to a Buddhist or spiritual path. On the contrary, bodhisattvas completely accord with the person they are with, under the intention of aiding the person in front of them with what they most need as individuals. Under the same token, finding out what a person needs is not about memorizing a philosophy and then passively applying it in conversation with a person. This would be more like the way that some religious groups 'proselytize' with others. It would be more faithful to understanding the bodhisattva path to say that it is about intimately knowing a beings needs before really being able to address them. I think this basic empathy is something that Kohut was also studying in his theories about parent-child relationships that go sour.
         I wonder if perhaps, in the eagerness to embrace Buddhist teachings on 'final' enlightenment, people at times overlook the way that persons are often in a state of development. Just what state of development a person is in is really up to the bodhisattva to discover. If I eagerly strive for a total enlightenment in the belief that one size fits all, I will not consider that each sentient being has different needs. I think this is where the practice of empathy becomes such an important tool in spiritual practice. By fully acknowledging another person's stories and meanings, I learn to accept that enlightened being is not about opposing or rejecting phenomena but totally embracing the impermanent, ever changing nature of those appearances. In this way, my body and mind remain relaxed and able to harmonize with any situation.