An Interesting Tension

During the meditation today, I had a strange yet perhaps mundane experience. While practicing the method of huatou, a stray thought emerged regarding some action or activity I need to take care of, which hasn't been done yet. I put the thought away, knowing that I would have to deal with it in some future time. Yet, the thought had got me to a point where, in the second sitting session, I started to feel less focused on the practice method. It is as though, in giving up the tension of the wandering thought, I had become so relaxed that even practice felt extraneous to me. I attached to the feeling of 'letting go' of the challenging thought, only to find myself unable to return to my method with diligence.

I think this example showed me two different extremes that often occur in my life. On the one hand, there is the extreme of thinking or worrying that something absolutely has to be done at a particular moment, or should have been done the previous day. This kind of mental thought creates the attachment and worry that interrupts mindful practice and creates a barrier to a clear mind. The other extreme happens when I have managed to overcome the burdensome thought by 'resolving' it in my mind. At that point, I feel such a sense of release that I lose the motivation to continue to practice a meditative practice method.

I think one of the biggest problems I face is this oscillation between two extremes: being too 'tense' and being too 'relaxed'. In the Buddha's teachings, there is the analogy of a musical instrument which needs to be tuned in such a way that it is not too tight or too loose. In fact, the two mental attitudes somehow feed off one another. A sensed need or compulsion to do something 'right away' often leads to a high amount of tension which is often 'blown off' through a relaxing escape or some kind of inner negotiation. But, if there was no urgency behind the thought, would there be any need to banish the thought itself? In other words,if I didn't take to the view that certain thoughts or actions are absolutely necessary, perhaps I wouldn't shuttle between the views of "you must do this now!" and "there is no value in anything so why bother?" If one  is aware and sees the thoughts with equanimity, they might realize that there is no 'necessary' thought or action. Even if something that needs doing hasn't been done yet, there are other ways to correct the situation, and clinging to that thought does not have to be the only solution or way.

Sometimes, thoughts can also be deceiving. An example might be where I start to have a thought about something left undone, and the thought arises: "It's because I am lazy that it hasn't been done!" And this leads me to feelings of anxiety or the urgency of achieving something right away. But when I look more closely at the situation, it may not be some 'lazy' inclination at all. There could be specific emotional or even physical barriers to accomplishing the task that prevent the task from being done. This doesn't mean the task needn't be done at all (which is the other extreme). Rather, it invites me to explore what causes and conditions might be making the action complicated. For example, in business terminology, I have heard the expression "opportunity cost", meaning that one can have a good opportunity, but at the cost of sacrificing another opportunity, especially in terms of time and energy. Rather than concluding that an uncompleted task makes me 'lazy'  would it be more compassionate and discerning to explore the other opportunities that arise from not doing the task right away? What other positives or factors are being overlooked when I conclude that I 'should have' or 'should' do some specific task? Such a process of thinking requires that a person become less driven by one particular thought, and more willing to explore it in the context of a total situation.