During meditation session today, there was a sharing as to whether the mind truly seems 'simple' after meditation. I reflected that I was somewhat able to observe the mind as a simple process of witnessing what is coming up and down in awareness. However, I could also see that life itself is complex. It is interesting for me that in the midst of the most complexity, the mind still manages to be a witness to it. It is not that life is less chaotic or less involved, but in meditation, I am able to get a glimpse of a mind that isn't really ruffled by all of it. The mind can respond within the conditions around it without somehow being like a proverbial pinball, bouncing off this idea then, ricocheting off the other.
I started to reflect on this topic tonight: besides sitting meditation, are there other ways that life ''teaches" us the simplicity in the midst of complexity? That is, besides a technique of using method to calm body and mind, are there other, analogous ways to get to this insight? The closest I had to that analogous experience might be times when I have had such a strong fear or insecurity that I would lose something important to me. I often found situations where I was so often exposed to that insecurity that I eventually had to dive right through it to get to the 'bottom' of it. When I finally did get to the bottom (if there is such a thing), I found that the experience is really my own creation: empty thought, coming and going.
Two examples I can think of that are strongest in me are the fear of losing a social role or position, and fear of losing my health. When I am confronted with the fear of losing a social role such as a job or title, I will try to examine the source of the fear, and whether there is something I can do to address it or improve my performance to maintain what I have. But if the fear is too strong or happens too many times, I get to a point where I tell myself : "this state of perpetual fear is worse than the actual fear coming true". Then I start to loosen a bit and realize that the tension I am creating is from a desire for something that was never fixed to begin with. As I realize this a little bit more, I literally rest in the state of insecurity. Rather than trying to 'address' insecurity by getting rid of it, I start to play with the idea of loosening into the insecure feelings; being within it, rather than tensing up every time it happens. This way of approaching the emotion starts to reveal it to be a creation generated by mind: I am not in a reactive mode all the time with this thought, and I can create a soft space around the insecurity thoughts. At this point, I am no longer treating the fear as an enemy, but start to get closer to it until it is seen as part of mind, not a virus or an attacker.
The second example is fear of losing my health, which often arises during meditation. If there is a certain painful feeling that feels raw and unchangeable, a thought often arises that I will never emerge from this pain, especially if it is chronic. Part of the problem is that the body's condition is ambiguous: I don't always know where the pain arises or even why, because it is bounded by so many different conditions which are changing. When I finally let go of the notion that pain defines my true self, and that I must end pain in order to live, I suddenly see that the pain was never an obstacle to begin with. It is just a state that is there, and suffering just arose from how I use thoughts to zero in on the pain or try to get rid of it. Neither seeking nor rejecting the pain, I recognize the mind's ability to behold pain, to own it and have it, without attaching or pointing to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment