I often want myself to be different, and to have been
different. I think that somehow if only I could be more like someone else, I
would somehow be happier and more content with myself. But let’s think about
this here and now moment. Is it really being “someone else” that will make me
happier? Aren’t all identities somewhat tenuous? And what about this desire to
be someone else? Is it the correct way to be?
We know from Buddhist scriptures that desires lie at the
heart of suffering. Even more fundamental to this is the sense of ignorance
that gives rise to desire. When I admire a famous person and how they talk,
think, act, etc. I start to think that I would be happier by being that person.
Actually, it doesn’t necessarily even have to be a famous person. We can want
to emulate anyone who is different from ourselves. Where does that desire come
from? It comes from imagining that this person is somehow better off, more
comfortable, more “facile” than we are. We even interpret the seeming
smoothness of another person’s actions as indicative of a higher state of being
that we are not privy to. As a result of this admiration, we get lost in the
ignorance of thinking that the peace we are looking for the most lies outside
of ourselves.
In Surangama Sutra, the Buddha asks Ananda what he
admires the most about the Buddha. Ananda remarks that he admires the Buddha’s “golden”
appearance, features and demeanor. He thus attributes the Buddha’s powers (and
his own Buddha nature) to an external appearance or form. This causes him to
desire to be something that isn’t inside of him. Now, this isn’t so bad, since
this appearance is what leads Ananda away from a prostitute and toward Buddha.
But at the same time, the admiration he feels is only superficial. It’s like
admiring the manners of a person without really knowing the substance
underneath or the underlying heart of that person.
To get to any true peace or true stillness, we have to turn
inward and let go of this endless striving to become someone else or even keep
up with someone else. This is because both desires come from the mental
habits of seeking some forms and avoiding others. As long as we are stuck in
that cycle, we can’t realize true peace and happiness because we continue to
feed our minds with a chase after external appearances. I want to emulate or
become something that is really only symbolic of a fundamental awareness that is
always still and not sticking to anything.
The unrest we feel is because we are attached not only to our
own bodies, but to the images that we have, of ourselves and others. When we
are around others, we continue to check ourselves to wonder if we are good
enough compared to them. This creates all kinds of anxieties and even suspicions
or paranoia, not to mention gossip. To know our true self, we must continue to
look into the real source of these images, and stay with that question of who
has the images: who sees, feels, thinks, perceives, senses etc. Even if we have
no answer to this question, engaging it can help us detach from the desire to
become an image, and see the image for what it is, a kind of empty and ephemeral
phenomena. True peace thus comes from letting go of these images and seeing
their moment to moment flux and impermanence.
Even when we feel states such as “depression”, “regret”, “anger”
etc. we must ask ourselves, am I creating the illusion of the angry, depressed,
regretful “person”? Am I reifying what is otherwise only a temporary emotional
state based on an incomplete interpretation of things? This is the point where
investigation starts to happen and we are no longer enslaved by labels and stories
related to emotions.
No comments:
Post a Comment