Conditioned Arising and Life

   During our Three Day Retreat at Bliss Haven Retreat Center in Dunville, Chang Yuan Fashi was remarking on how elusive the peaceful mind can seem to us. We are often caught up in so many desires, which results in a busy mind, that we are unable to enjoy the simplicity and wonder of "just being". In fact, we even need to somehow put this simplicity into words, to "reason" it into existence. For a few moments, I was able to see the peace and freedom that comes from just dropping thoughts altogether and beholding the present moment as it is: "coming home" to it, in fact, as Fashi had suggested. But why is it so elusive? 

    Most of our desires are probably social in nature. We are taught to fear solitude and abandonment. For instance, the most harsh punishment we can possibly imagine is solitary confinement, or the common practice of arranging people to sit facing the wall, just as we normally would do in our retreat centers. We are also taught to fear rejection and scorn. I think that all of these thoughts grip around us and create the mental fog of guilt that we feel when we don't serve other people's desires or expectations. I am sure that we also contribute to a similar vicious cycle when we add our own desires (and fear of not having them fulfilled) into the mixture.

    During the retreat, Fashi asked us to try to hold the feeling of being at peace and at home into the spaces beyond the retreat itself. I sometimes wonder what this would be like. We truly can't be blissful and happy all the time, could we?  Actually, however, it's possible, but we have to honor whatever emotions arise in the moment and know that these emotions are all just parts of our empty nature. They are conditioned arising, meaning they arise based on causes and conditions. Once the conditions disappear, there is no trace of it, just as our leg pain disappears as soon as we unfold our legs and come out of the meditation. I believe freedom from suffering--especially from the ego--comes from reflecting at all times on conditioned arising. Nothing stays the same, not even the sense of an enduring self that is experiencing the conditions. So when we let go of trying to grasp this permanent sense of self, that is when we are left with the question of what is left? I believe this is an important contemplation. It is the contemplation of an open hand as opposed to a closed fist.