Facing Time Well, Coming Full Circle

 I sometimes want to return to things that seemed difficult in the past, to see if we can face it better now. This is a kind of trick that the mind plays, and it's often based on an idea that I am making progress in some way, and want to prove to ourselves that we have. But what is progress after all? We may have changed our circumstances over the years but we may not understand how we arrived in the places that we have.

   One of the difficulties that comes with going back to my old school (York) was/is in realizing that the function of the university is to create and foster original thinking. But the difficulty and struggle with that is knowing that originality is extremely hard to come by, and takes a lot of inspiration. I do remember "plugging away" at the essays, yet somehow everything just seemed like an assignment of sorts; I don't recall being able to gauge whether I truly had progressed in my knowledge or understanding of things. There is always a question there, like: did I create what I was "meant to" create? Or is there something missing that I need to go back and finish? And the more I reflect on that, the more the mind goes around in circles. Had I majored in Computer Science, for instance, perhaps this would not have even occurred to me, but I happened to major in an area that is so vast in scope and range that I can no longer even place or define myself within it.

   I think it's important to think of the experience as one of tension. I want to enjoy, but I am needing to create; I want to learn but I need to extend my learning, not just passively reproduce what has been learned already. I should respect the rules of my discipline, but later be open to creating new rules. And finally, all this book learning does need to go out somewhere into a community. But I think that this struggle plays out in everyday life as well, and as long as we are becoming comfortable with that tension and see myself as "someone who (actively) thinks", then I will not worry about being pacified by the professors or books around me. And I will always remember that knowledge is not something that is pre-given but has to be fought over and wrested with.