Amae and "Independence"

   In The Anatomy of Dependence, Takeo Doi describes an "ideology of amae" which, at least in his mind, stems from the longing to feel cared for, rather than simply be left to take responsibility for all that happens to oneself. Taking responsibility, being "independent" and so on often come from the painful realization that "God cares for those who care for themselves". Perhaps, however, we can best think of this concept of amae or ameru as a kind of overarching benevolence that we sometimes feel with others who are older and wiser--a sense that all is well and "ends well" in the universe, or that someone out there is taking care of us. I have always wondered, however, what's the proper balance between self and other power? That is, when does too much self-reliance lead to a kind of pride or arrogance in one's own abilities, and when does too much other-reliance lead to infantile wishes? Perhaps the notion of gratitude would help us to answer this question.

    I listened to a video of Master Sheng Yen about a week ago, where he talked about how, nothing we have achieved in our lifetime is due to our own abilities alone. In fact, he went on to suggest that, compared to what we have received from others in this lifetime, our own contributions are quite miniscule in comparison. Rather than being a plea to stop trying and simply let others care for us, perhaps what Shifu is suggesting is that we are all deeply interconnected. Everything we do, no matter how much of an accomplishment it is, is a contribution to something greater than all the parts put together. Gratitude, no matter how deep, cannot possibly repay all the kindness we have received from others. But sometimes this realization is not so much about 'trying to pay back' to everyone as it is recognizing that we were never separate beings from others. With this spirit, we can be comforted by the reality of our interbeing, and this is perhaps where the soothing calm of amae might come into play. After all, even when we are achieving a lot of things, we are still deeply at the mercy of circumstances that are beyond our control or full understanding. And we don't need to panic at that thought. Rather,  we can even truly rest in that understanding, knowing that even when we are exerting ourselves, we are still being sustained by something deeper.

   From this perspective, perhaps amae is not incompatible with independence. In fact, it could result in a more grounded view of independence, one which acknowledges its limitations but also tries not to take on more than what it can manage to do at any given time. We sometimes need to give ourselves amae--that is, to tell ourselves that, as long as we have this moment (which can never be taken away from us, no matter what the conditions), that is a guarantee of our fundamentally being ok.