I have been thinking recently about the difference between my early spiritual ideas about providence, fate, and the hand of "God/gods", and my more recently learned ideas about karma. I realize that when I was in my early twenties, the idea of having a benevolent caregiver in the universe was not only a idea that I fancied as being "spiritual", but seemed necessary as well. This is because, being young and not having established myself anywhere, I needed to create some kind of optimism or hope for the future. Interestingly, I do believe that when I nourished that confidence and faith, people around me would come to me with the same confidence and nurturing qualities. I think this is because we invite the very things we believe and nurture in our minds.
Now that I am older, I find that I seem to lean less on the idea of universal benevolence. I seem to recognize that nothing in life is totally enduring and everything will inevitably have its ups and downs. Although I still reassure myself that things will be "ok", I no longer feel the need to trust in the permanence of okay-ness. Sometimes things will be okay, while other times they may be not okay I think I am saying that I no longer feel that I need to rely on a permanent source of benevolence to get on in life.
I wonder if this means that I have taken a step "back" from spiritual life...or might it mean a step forward? Have I perhaps become cold to the kinds of things that might require more warmth from me? Perhaps what I am really driving at is that I have more tolerance for the impermanence of life than before, and I am willing to suspend thoughts altogether, without having to control things to make them seem favorable to me. Perhaps this comes from a deeper confidence that life does not have to go as per any plan, and from equanimity.
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