Inhabiting Fear

 During the group meditation tonight, I shared about changes that have happened to me since the pandemic. I think that being alone to figure things out is one big change that has come about: being alone, for instance, to figure out how to deal with internet connections that don't always work as planned, or how to shop for things when the stores close earlier. And while these aren't insurmountable issues, I start to see how easily I can get flustered or anxious over them. I sort of have a sense of humor about this, because there is nothing that can be controlled, neither the situation nor my reaction to it. When I am pushed to the point where I face who I am, I can (sort of) see a bit beyond who I am.  This is because I am no longer pretending to be in control. I can then be more aware of the whole situation.
   Some of this is written "post panic", so it's not all that accurate or speaking truthfully. When my internet connection is slow and I need to work, I do experience it as a big issue. But on the other hand, in those moments, I am beside the fear--it's not pushing me from behind anymore, and I no longer have this idea that I can control fear or get rid of it. There is a kind of surrender there, much like the way Master Sheng Yen described how he saw a frog hop into the mouth of a snake after finding itself completely cornered. When the fear of death is absolutely experienced as unavoidable, there is no place to go but to inhabit the fear fully and directly. Then in the midst of that fear, neither "fear" nor "death" have any meaning; they are just elements in a surrounding storm.