Dust Settles

 Being at home for two weeks now, with the occasional walk outside, has forced me to re-examine (and re-appraise) what "home" means to me and how to feel at home. Having lived in Toronto in various rental units, I find it admittedly hard to feel at home, and part of the reason also is that I have treated my life as a kind of experiment, rather than as a place to dig roots. With the recent pandemic that's sweeping the world, I have had to face my fears of home--in particular the fears of being too firmly planted in one place to the point where I might feel the terrors of everyday boredom, or the gnawing pains of  missing out on things that are "out there". I am sure that I am not the only one to have felt this way in these past few weeks, but it hits hard for me nonetheless, especially considering how much clutter I have chosen to live with recently.
   Homes indeed represent the states of one's mind. A mind that is stirred up is hardly at rest, and leaves a lot of unrest in its wake. This feeling of unrest creates a feeling of not being settled, which then perpetuates itself in a vicious cycle of retreat and escape from the clutter, or even a tendency for novelty that adds more to the pile of inner and outer clutter.  To the contrary, making oneself at home requires a certain ability to stay with the difficulties of having to sacrifice the "outer", which represents endless possibilities, for an "inner", which represents stillness and equanimity.
   I have to admit that I haven't quite made my home, but at the very least, a bit of cleaning up has allowed me to see the carpet, and this is at least a start! Being at home also allows me to discover the things that I have missed and never even knew that I had. I am not talking about peace of mind, love, harmony, and so on, but the more mundane band-aids, plastic cutlery, and that Best of Chilliwack CD I had been looking for which had unceremoniously been left out of its case for quite some time.
    I am not sure if I will continue to live like this after the coronavirus passes, but at least I have a taste of what its like to take care of my home and live in it with some degree of comfort.