Good by Association

  It's always interesting to reflect, what if? But in fact, things happen as they do for complex reasons. Western philosophy (and to a certain extent, Eastern, I suppose) tends to look at people's success in terms of these supposedly internal characteristics. For example, a person is said to be of "good character" if they demonstrate certain personality characteristics that are fairly enduring over time. Sometimes, looking back on one's life, one can often even see that the seeds of one's future being were already contained in those past times. Does this mean that the self is determined? Well...maybe and maybe not. I have a sense that change is possible, but most of the time, people's will might not be bolstered enough to push through all the resistances to change.
   I think it's very important, no matter where a person is in life, to take pride in what's in front of them, and not to pine over the old times when something was supposedly "present". I am afraid that this is a mistake that people often make in their lives: to think they had something that was never their's to begin with. When I was in high school, for example, there were many people I looked up to, but in associating with those people, I would give myself the misleading idea that because they accept me, I too must be "one of them". It's a sort of "good by association"game that one plays with oneself, as repeated exposure to someone else might give someone the impression that they have the same good qualities that the other person has. In fact, this is not the case: admiring someone does not confer the same status on the admirer, even when they are loved by the admired.
  Part of maturity might consist in differentiating who one really is and is capable of from the capacities of others, as well as one's daydreams about themselves. Who I am can only be known when I am fully present with whatever it is that needs doing. If I start to fall into a wandering mindset, what happens is that I quickly lose contentedness with the present and start to daydream about a future that never will be. Conversely, reflecting on past regrets is also a kind of vanity effort, which assumes that one's failings were so tragic that the world needs to stop because of them.. It's sometimes helpful to ask oneself, "now that I admire so and so, does that mean that I am special? Does admiration make me special in the eyes of the other?" Of course (and unfortunately) the answer is usually no: a person who is admirable may have many who admire them, and it makes no sense for that person to focus on their so many admirers!
   The point I want to make is, quite often, our view of others is influenced by our own projections of childhood wishes: to be loved, to belong, to never be forgotten or left behind. But this is all magical thinking, and the growth experience entails letting go of or at least acknowledging that one's projections are not the other person.