Anxiety and Being Present

 Quite often discussion groups are an opportunity to observe when I am using "silence" and "illumination" together. According to Chan teachings, Silent Illumination refers to a kind of combined practice of stilling the mind (samatha) and illuminating what's around us (vipassana). Generally, people are usually on either one side or the other: either they are too silent and reach a state of torpor or too "illuminating" (read: too distracted) of the things around them. When I am attached to my thoughts, I am not practicing silence. However, conversely, if I am attached to emptiness, I am not able to truly illuminate, and I end up being like a log, not really engaging my practice in the world.
   Anxiety is a good example of "too much illumination" and not enough stillness. When my mind in discussion groups races around worries about whether I provided good questions for reflection or am contributing to the group, I end up panicking over something that is not at all dangerous. If I start to withdraw from the discussion altogether, I am still in some ways driven by the phenomena. This is much like someone who tries to block sounds by putting on headphones. Even though this person seems serene when there is no sound, they will only be more agitated if they are forced to take off their headphones. This is an example of getting too attached to stillness.
   Anxiety can be best dealt with by being mindfully present, both to the anxiety as a sensation and as thoughts coming to mind. The thoughts are like bubbles: one can certainly see those anxious thoughts arising, but is it necessary to attribute the thoughts to an anxious self? A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that because anxiety arises in mind, they are therefore "anxious people", and this makes them give up even the prospect of seeing things calmly or clearly. But this only seems to start an endless cycle of thinking that I am at fault for being anxious. By illuminating the anxiety, I intend to see it for what it is without adding a sense of self to it. This is an important aspect, because if I start to think there is a self who is anxious, I create a story around that anxiety rather than seeing it as an impermanent state, just like others. More "samatha" can calm an over anxious mind, providing it with stability to see anxiety for what it is.