Equanimity

 I have been reflecting recently about how spiritual life goes through different phases. Sometimes a person has a very profound experience where they feel transported out of the world and into a kind of heaven, while other times, one is simply abiding in the spiritual practice of everyday. But the challenge is to come to a point where these highs and lows are no longer seen as distinct. They are just ripples from the same source.
 
 I observe in myself a tendency to "do more", but when I am in a situation where I am not sure about what I should or shouldn't be doing, anxiety arises. This anxiety in the face of uncertainty is quite interesting: rather than allowing me to cultivate equanimity, it keeps pushing me into a state of fearing for my own existence. It sometimes helps to go the other way especially if the pain of not being able to do more is too strong: that is, to actually do nothing and see what happens. Does one "die" when one has "nothing to do" and "no role to play" or does life simply carry on? In knowing that life does in fact "carry on" without me always having to step forward, what effect does that have? In a word, and quite simply, it allows me to relax more into the conflict of not always knowing "what is to be done". It just might even allow me to focus on what really needs doing rather than putting me in an endless cycle of having to do things to please the others or to fulfill my sense of being okay with others.