The Grateful Feelings

 For some reason, after the group sitting practice, I did feel incredible gratitude for the other participants. It seems that in the process of being tired from the busy week and trying to hold onto the method amidst the scattered mind, there is this room to behold the others and appreciate their vow to be practicing in the same place, even when it did not yield the expected "result", such as a unified mind. I wonder if this is not perhaps the whole point, and that is that I am not in control and I never had to be in control in the first place. And what this does is that it opens up a space where we can truly acknowledge interdependence.

I was reading a chapter in Master Sheng Yen's Common Questions in the Practice of Buddhism  where it describes whether Buddhism believes in a monotheistic God (p.172-174). The gist of it is that Buddhism does not disbelieve in the existence of powerful beings; it only disavows the idea that there can be a single "originator" of all things. I take this more metaphorically than literally, in the sense that it could apply to most relationships. If I take credit for everything that happens at work, then I solidify the burdensome idea that only I can be responsible for what happens, and thus be in control. Is it possible to feel connected with anyone if one feels this responsible for things? Conversely, if I am not thinking that everything is on my shoulders, I might start to see that there are rhythms to life, and we only take some of the waves, only to pass them on to others and receive new waves in turn. In taking on responsibilities, I am never solely responsible for what happens. I am only ensuring that my part is done with the least negative consequences to others, which requires a gentle approach.

Perhaps there is something about meditation itself that finally allows a person to stop trying to take on a dominating agency in life: expecting specific outcomes is almost antithetical to the process of only sitting.

Sheng Yen (2017). Common Questions in the Practice of Buddhism. Taipei: Dharma Drum Publications