Unconditionally With Others

 Today was a snowy and wet day, but it was beautiful overall. I had a chance to facilitate the last Saturday group meditation session for the year, followed by a trip to the Distillery Christmas Market downtown with friends from Dharma Drum Mountain. I would have to say that what characterized my day was the sense of unconditionally relaxing in the presence of others, without any particular need to take on a role or a position. This is hardly a way of being that I am used to, since most of my life is pretty scheduled between work and other duties. But that ability to be present with others felt very healing and nurturing to me nonetheless, and it inspired me to think about how I can change my attitude in the coming year to something that is less "role" driven and more present.
  Part of the anxiety that I think people feel when they are with others (at least from my experience) is that they never fully feel accepted, either by themselves or by others. I remember reading a book by Charles Taylor, the Canadian philosopher, which said something to the effect that this kind of mentality comes from a Puritan sense of identity that has become predominant from the 19th century onward: work defines who we are, what makes us "important" to others, and even what gives us a sense of self-worth at the end of the day. Even when I was with fellow Chan practitioners and volunteers today, I felt this inner pressure inside of me which made me want to confirm that I am "on the right track", as though there is a track that is somehow based on what a person accomplishes. Yet, the sense that I have is that I am around people who accept me fully as I am, and there is no need for me to put on any special airs with them: they see my strengths and weaknesses as a whole package, yet are willing to be with me. I did feel touched by this as I was going home from the distillery and dinner.
  These kinds of experiences convince me that the best we can ever be to others is happy within and content with ourselves. This is a gift that we can give to others that is the highest kind. I am not too sure at this point, looking at myself, how this is accomplished. While one of the things I have stressed throughout this blog is meditation, I doubt that using meditation forcefully to try to reform one's personality or reject certain phenomena is really the proper approach. Sometimes simply relaxing in the moment without even that hidden "agenda" that I sometimes carry around meditation is really the best way. I do believe that there is a real value in just hanging out, and just being with others, without anything to prove whatsoever.
  The other thing I am realizing is that sometimes our deepest soul (?) knows what we need in the moment. If it's music, the soul will create its own music to uplift ourselves. If it's a compelling story, then the soul knows how to make that story. There is no need to suppress these inclinations or try to steer clear of them, when they often have ways of making us feel happier in the presence of others. After all, the point of social life is not just to network or be physically connected in the same space. It's rather to mutually uplift our souls, which already contain some pretty interesting materials as it is, if only we allow these materials to surface. When I am feeling disconnected from the world or others, I often do come up with new music in my mind. Perhaps it is my way of being happy in the moment, or a survival mechanism, but it ends up that this music allows me to carry on a sense of connection with others even if the topics we are sharing are not resonating with me in that moment. Amazingly, it seems that the soul already has the things inside of it to pull people through and heal their imbalances. But a lot of times, we don't trust that soul anymore, and we have substituted a series of techniques and "strategies" for the wisdom of the soul.