Choosing the Pain One is Willing to Handle

I am reading a book by Mark Manson titled, quite elegantly, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, a Christmas gift I received. Albeit humorous, this book is interesting in the way it describes how we have no choice in terms of pain and frustration since all human lives contain some measure of pain and frustration.  Inevitably, we are going to encounter situations which don’t accord with our innermost wishes, and we have no choice but to anticipate that life will have its share of inconveniences. However, what we can choose are the kinds of pain we want to adopt in our life. That is, we can choose pain that is actually fulfilling and has a purpose. While I don’t agree with some of Manson’s comments about what constitutes good/bad values and what are “valuable” ways to suffer, Manson raises the interesting point that it’s not happiness we are choosing but the kind of pain that we want to learn from and handle.

I am wondering if, rather than looking at pain as choice or even a larger project, we can instead look at pain in terms of recursive relationships from which we can potentially learn and mature, provided that we are willing to surrender ourselves to the experience somewhat, or at least be open to new things. While it’s true that we choose the kinds of “pain” we want to have, I can’t help but think that pain itself is only one part of a larger dialogue in which we choose to participate or not participate at all. According to Guo Gu in his book, Passing Through the Gateless Barrier (2016, p.139) painful or frustrating moments can actually become turning points for existential realizations; our previous attitudes and expectations are shattered. In order to embrace such a journey, I can’t help but think that we have to loosen the rigid boundaries of what we call self, in this current moment.

I am reminded of the Buddha’s story as I am thinking about this topic. The Buddha himself went through periods in his early years as an ascetic when he drove himself to very “unproductive” sorts of pain, only to realize on the verge of death that this kind of pain wasn’t going to take him to any further realization or spiritual insights. At the same time, I have to wonder, was this “unnecessary” pain not in fact a necessary step for Buddha and his followers? After all, had the Buddha not gone through the extremities of the ascetic life, he (maybe) and his followers (yes) would not have known that it is not the middle path, and self-denial through bodily deprivation is not quite the way forward, at least not according to Buddhist teachings.

So, can we say that the Buddha’s pain was “necessary” in the evolution of his thinking? If we take this line of argument, we might say that any pain that we experience in life is necessary to our spiritual growth and realization. I have to say yes and no-it depends on how you are framing such an experience. If I continue to experience the same painful situations and am not able to contextualize them as part of an evolving whole, then I am hard pressed to say that this pain is “necessary” because it doesn’t fit into a larger process.  But what often happens is that if I realize something beyond the pain itself, I am able to say that the pain has its place; it’s neither necessary nor an obstruction, but it’s part of the territory of being. Knowing pain in this way, it starts to become meaningful…but if divorced from a bigger picture, pain is either fetishized or it’s ignored, which are both not healthy ways of looking at pain.

Guo Gu (2016). Passing Through the Gateless Barrier: Koan Practice for Real Life. Boulder: Shambhala

Manson, Mark (2016). The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A CounterIntuitive Approach to Living the Good Life. New York: Harper Collins.