Waiting Game

  Doing school work can sometimes seem like a waiting game-- only the waiting is about 'inspiration', and being able to put things together to form a unity and direction. It's safe to say that this waiting game does not only happen in educational settings, although education itself suggests a trajectory where there is some growth or maturation. The ups and downs of going to school might be compared with a kind of spiritual education in understanding the workings of causes and conditions. It's only when I go through the whole process that I can know that there are times to go forward and times to hold back. Unfortunately, it's often the case that in times of uncertainty, people are better at going forward, even when they could just as well hold back for a while.
   This process is naturally going to be depressing at times, but I think the key point is to endure some of the painful moments with equanimity. In order to do so, I have told myself recently two things: the first is, there is really nothing to lose in trying. When I sincerely know that I did my best to achieve a goal within the constraints that I have been given, there is no need or room for regret. It's only if I didn't make any effort at all that I would be left with the nagging regrets of 'could I have'/'should I have', and so on. The second principle I observe is to see the pain to the very end. If I am lifting the ball of iron and drop it mid-way in despair, then I can't really get to the realization that the pain is not going to harm me. So there are moments when, quite simply, I have to stop following my self-doubts and stay with the emotional pain that is in that moment.
    I would imagine that in most cases, what causes people to lose their balance is not a negative event, but rather an ambivalent one. It's when I am not sure that I am left in a state of painful choice: to go or to hold back, to continue or to stop, etc. And that anguish of simply not knowing precisely how to choose is such a tremendous source of pain. It's like not really knowing what's awaiting you at the end of the corridor, and having this wide range of actions before I get to the end. In those times, we can only wait a while for new information to guide us, rather than trying to invent information that simply doesn't exist. And at times, I do need to train myself to wait a little longer for clarity.