Significance/Non Significance

 The more I reflect on it, the more I believe that there needs to be a middle way between feeling significant and not significant. I think that my tendency is to lean toward the latter. I have often struggled with feelings of not being good enough or important enough for others, and it's only been in the most caring kinds of relationships that I was able to feel that I matter to others. Of course, this latter point can sometimes be a place of contention. I know a parent who recently shared with me that she expected her oldest child to be more dependent, because she gave him more affection before his younger sister was born. Such an overemphasis of attention on one child can lead the child to feel entitled to a certain amount of attention. This is the other extreme of inflated ego or entitlement.
   What's the middle way then? I think the middle is to recognize that one can be significant to significant others! And it's important to distinguish between people who are committed to caring and others who are more casual acquaintances. If I base feelings of significance on people who are only casually acquainted with me, I am bound to feel disappointed because I might have expected those acquaintances to support me more than they did. I might later on realize that those acquaintances had only a small connection with me, and they might have flattered me once or twice! But if the feelings of significance simply come from ongoing relationships where there is reciprocal support, than these feelings are healthy. Why? Because if, for example, a parent felt no significance in being a parent, they might not take their responsibilities very seriously. Having that sense of significance can help the parent be very clear about their responsibilities rather than taking them casually.
   In Buddhist writings, there is often an emphasis on no-self. But I have to wonder: is it possible for people to take no-self in a distorted way, to entail that one needn't engage with the world or take on responsibilities since there is no self there? This is a distortion, because no self does not necessarily mean having no engagements with the world. It only means not being attached to the sense of self occupying these roles. It also doesn't deny the parts that one does play in life, such as a worker, a parent, friend, etc. These things are still important, because they are the vehicles by which we can really know our connectedness with other beings and to become more compassionate in the process. So our roles and responsibilities in relation to others are significant.