Wheels in Motion, Wheels at Rest

 There are times when I have to say that I wait for Friday evenings, if not because they give me more time to rest from a hectic work week. I wonder, is this 'looking forward' to a day of rest perhaps a sign of not being present? Shouldn't I be completely content in the moment, regardless of whether I am busy or am resting, or what day of week it is?
  I think that in a sense the mind doesn't need to move when there is so much going on. In fact, the 'so much going on' is just a kind of trick that the mind plays: seeing everything that needs to be done as one big agglomeration, rather than seeing the individuals moments. It reminds me of the time when a sandwich shop I often go to would advertise on its napkins the average total number of tomatoes a person eats per year, and of course, that number is quite astronomical. But is the number truly meaningful? It isn't to most people, because we are describing a kind of grand total that cannot be directly experienced anyway.
   On Thursday evenings, just before I lead the guided meditation downtown, I often feel quite tired from the work day, and I have from time to time asked myself, "how do I prepare for this moment, standing in front of everyone and guiding this exercise?" At one time, I felt compelled to create an atmosphere before entering the room, almost like 'putting on an air' of peacefulness. These days, I fall asleep on the subway, and by the time I have eaten and set up the cushions for the Thursday meditation, I have forgotten what or how to prepare! In that moment, I am simply that moment, and there isn't anything else I can do to prepare. And lately, I have been okay with this, because I consider myself to be participating in the process of settling the mind as much as the others in the group.
     I have sometimes felt that having a lot of things to do can be a curse to the sense of self, especially the one that needs to be prepared for everything, including all its grand entrances and exits, as well as the dire need to be in control as much as possible. But from the perspective of present moment, busy is good, because it takes away the pretention of always being prepared. As much as we do need to prepare, there is always a margin for just being, and responding to the uncertainty of this moment. When I let go of 'always having to be prepared', what is left is a kind of reasonable attitude: I will prepare enough to show up, but there is no need for me to put on any special airs, or pretend that there is a self that is completely in control of everything that unfolds.