The Difficulties of Starting

  Today I felt the challenges of starting. I am working on a paper which deals with the themes of dispute and conflict resolution in a key Buddhist sutta, and I started to realize how hard it can be to get started. But now that I am starting it (in an awkward way which I know is subject to change), I feel that things are starting to shape a bit. Even though I know that the work is going to need several revisions, it's the process of starting that allows me to limit possibilities and fine-tune myself rather than floating in a realm of 'what ifs' and could-be's.
   I have to wonder sometimes why 'starting' is such a source of anxiety for many people, including myself, and what it is about the 'unformed' which can be so problematic. This is a tricky one, with lots of knots. One is of course the fear that one will simply fail to start. This is like being unborn, essentially, but it happens. There are times when there are so many possible threads to work with that it can be paralyzing to figure out which thread to start with, knowing how it means that others may have to be left behind. Of course, eventually, one has to just pick the one thread that looks enticing and go along with it, but it can still be difficult when there are many permutations in mind.
   I think the the greater fear in this 'starting' business is the fear of what the creation might become, and how it might fail all those great expectations that took shape before the big start. But this is surely not respectful of creation. No matter what I do, or where I start, nothing is ever going to be what we expect it to be. Why not simply behold it for what it is and let it take a life of its own? Of course, easier said than done-and at the end of the day, one simply has to start somewhere, perhaps anywhere, and see where it will take you. Of course, if you push long enough, every single start will take you to the heart itself, which is the start of everything.