Just Sitting

 During the Silent Illumination meditation retreat today, GuoSheng Fashi had introduced Silent Illumination practice. One of the most interesting and enjoyable aspects of this retreat, at least for my short time joining it as a timekeeper, was the emphasis that it placed on shikantaza or "just sitting." There were times when, in the process of doing just sitting, I really understood and had a clear empathic connection with this practice. And I truly did have a felt experience of just being that truly felt authentic. As GuoSheng Fashi had mentioned, it's the knowledge that one has wandering thoughts that is the 'illumination' aspect, while not following those thoughts is the 'silent' aspect. And thanks to the emphasis on bodily relaxation and guided exercises, there were many moments when I felt connected to the practice.
   I have found that recently, I have had very few opportunities to experience meditation practice in such a relaxed way. There has been such an emphasis in the recent months in my personal readings, of 'going beyond' meditation to embrace all the aspects of Buddhist teachings, creating a frantic search to 'complete' my knowledge or understanding of the teachings. But what this ends up doing is creating a sense that spiritual practice is a matter of knowing something in a distant way, rather than embodying it. And the habit is to confuse knowing with being, as when a person becomes really interested in reading sutras, but does not realize that the knowledge hasn't been directly experienced. Instead, what one is experiencing is the conceptual excitement, or the thrill of learning a concept or being able to toy with it in some way.
    During the retreat today, I had a sense that authentic being with one's deepest, undifferentiated nature is a wonderful way to lessen anxiety about tasks to be done. Being a very task oriented person, it can be hard for me to be grounded in the actual experience of being here in this moment, and how grounding and centering that is. Instead of centering my mind in my experience of the embodied present, I extend to very short lived ideas that come and go in the mind. Because this retreat seems to have gone back to the very basics of self-care and bodily relaxation, there were moments when I could stay with the practice with a clear sense of ease and soft determination.