How Does One Feel Grateful?

 During the group study tonight, I could not help but feel a kind of deep gratitude, which I have often communicated in my previous blog entries. Every time I have this kind of rare experience, I want to somehow chronicle the emotion of gratitude, as if to try to get a better sense of how it naturally arises. But it's funny how the meaning of gratitude actually comes from 'gratias' which means 'free' or given by grace. In that sense, it may be futile to try to grasp onto something that is always and everywhere freely given. So how can one describe gratitude except as a letting go of sorts?
   I think that for me the letting go comes mainly from the belief that I don't 'belong' unless I am finding approval from others. Sometimes, when I let go of that need to belong in this way, I can find a deeper belonging that is freely given; it doesn't depend on specific signs of approval from others but is rather a much more natural feeling. If I were to describe it in a more detailed sense, it would be that I am fully trusting that the groups around me will embrace me, and I am not trying to protect myself. I am just enjoying the sense of already belonging which comes from a deep trust in the interconnection of all beings.
     It's hard to arrive at this kind of free gratitude, but I find it seems easier when the concepts are being discussed, especially in the Chan study group. I would best describe this as a kind of playful exploration, while wrestling with how to apply these principles to daily life. In a sense, even though there is much intellectual discussion, the group goes beyond this by relating their own experiences of what the concepts mean to them. This kind of conversing and discussion seems to be a great way to embody the practice in clear and practical ways.