The Hidden Spirituality of "Shame"

 I have found that whenever facing criticism, I have a tendency to contract and even to feel withdrawn from shame. Feelings of shame can be a way of telling myself that there is something I can do better or reflect upon. But there is also another way of looking at shame, and that is to see how it represents the attachment one has to the self. If I am overly attached to the notion that I should be doing something, or fulfilling some requirement, I will feel vexation when it turns out that I fall short of my own expectations. I feel that the practice of Chan is a balance between the need for self-correction on the one hand, and non-attachment to self on the other.
   Another way of looking at this is to recognize the transient and conditioned nature of the self. This morning, I went to the meditation to facilitate, and there were times when I didn't feel adequate to the task (voice too soft, not sure what to say to the newcomers, etc.). I could even hear the voice inside of me telling me I wasn't good enough to lead the group. Nonetheless, I reminded myself that I was there to help, given the level of experience I happen to have and resources at my disposal. In other words, I recognize that just being there is already a kind of help to the group, since I am putting consistent efforts into practicing alongside the others. This doesn't mean that I cannot do better in the future, but at times I am able to recognize that these improvements are only conditions, and they have nothing to do with a concrete self. No matter how much I might try to improve certain things in the way I present meditation, success or failure in this endeavor have nothing to do with a fixed sense of self.
   Sometimes, I recognize that a person needs to experience the feeling of inadequacy in order to see that it's just a feeling. If I overemphasize that feeling, I will get into a vicious cycle of withdrawal: not feeling that I am good enough to be with the others. But if I see that everything is only a condition, I can work to improve conditions without attaching to a final result, or identifying it as 'me' that needs to improve. I think this is perhaps a good way to approach situations where I feel pressured to perform a certain way around others.