On Being Nurtured

  I have been reflecting on Ian Suttie's book Origin of Love and Hate, for quite some time, and it touches upon ambivalence I feel toward the role of nurturing and maturity. Most cultures have what are called 'initiation' ceremonies, where young people are separated from what's familiar and 'nurturing' to them in favor of some wild experience which is meant to teach them growth and self-reliance. It's sometimes known informally as 'tough love', but I am also reflecting on how much this kind of initiation gets internalized into one's views of spirituality. There is almost a sense that spiritual initiations are meant to make people more self-reliant, as though there were these independent beings in the world who are meant to become isolated. But I have to say, this can lead to attaching to the self as something that is impervious to environment or emotions, which can be an even greater error than assuming that others will always take care of us in all situations. This can also lead a person to prematurely deny their own feelings or wishes, rather than facing up to vulnerability which is shared with all beings.
   I wonder if perhaps a more balanced view is to acknowledge the desire to be nurtured or acknowledged by others in some way or another as a form of social sustenance. I may not have the means to find nurturance or understanding among those around me, but this does not mean that I need necessarily deny those emotions altogether. It's more just a matter of looking closely at contradictory forces within us that act as the conditions for very unique states of mind. For example, I might have a wish to be loved alongside a somewhat conflicting wish to be left alone at times, as well as a desire to surrender alongside a desire to control. Actually, none of these qualities 'negates' the other at all, especially when one is very clear that they are thoughts arising in mind and have no direct connection with each other. It's only when I insist that I behave in a single consistent way that I try to 'make sense' of these inner contradictions by trying to resolve them into one neat answer. While this is my tendency, I may also want to be aware that it's okay to have these contradictions, and I needn't make it my mission to resolve them in a neat way.
   I also wonder if perhaps the highest form of nurturing is to embrace the contradictions that are in us and around us, as opposed to avoiding them or attempting to suppress them.