keep on going

  There are times when I encounter such strong obstacles in meditation practice, that I tend to think that they are insurmountable. I fail to realize that what I think are obstacles are my way of rejecting the situation and trying very hard to avoid certain things I dislike. In those moments, one can only just face what is happening and try to see it with compassionate eyes. And I find that this kind of compassion is very natural when we reach low points in our lives, and are able to face what is causing the problem.
    My biggest fear and worry in life is personal inadequacy: the feeling that I am simply not good enough to meet challenges, and the thought that something terrible will happen to me if I fail to meet those challenges. At times, I have to just let go of the worry and do my best, but there are other times when the fear of inadequacy gets too overwhelming. In those moments, the only thing I can do is somehow believe that I can find a way through it, as well as to be open to the present moment. And if my mind is open, I have found that there is always some way that I can keep going on.
     The huatou practice is really special in the sense that it does not depend on external environment. One can simply use this meditative practice to investigate the source of all experience, rather than wrestling with the contradictions of experience, which can give rise to all sorts of challenges. But it is also helpful to know that one is not dependent on others to try to solve existential questions, and that these kinds of questions can be sorted out through some spiritual practice. I can only hope that intensive huatou practice will help me improve my skills in facilitation of meditation practice, as well as to be more confident in the practice and what it means.
    When there really isn't a concrete, unhanging self, all one can do is exert efforts, without knowing what the real self is.