During the first part of the group meditation tonight, I had been experiencing my share of scattered thoughts and pains in the spine. It was only during the second sitting that I started to develop a sense of continuity in my practice. I did this by adopting a kind of 'devotional' approach to my method. I told myself to have so much faith in the huatou method that it would literally cut through all the pain and thoughts. Indeed, it did do this eventually, but at the same time, it allowed me to truly pull away from my subconscious attachment to pain and thinking.
Of course, meditation practice and methodology tends to emphasize relaxation, but I wondered in retrospect, what is the relationship between this devotional attitude I had adopted toward my practice tonight, and 'letting go'? It would almost seem that they are diametrically opposite, but actually not exactly: there are times when being devoted is the only way to let go of attachment to pain and body sensations. I think that part of it is that if one is relying only on one's own thoughts to make the practice work, it just becomes more wandering thoughts and distractions. I almost feel that I need to embrace the method in a fully committed way before it really starts to become a part of me. In a sense, this is because it's not the method that is working to change the mind: rather, it's the method that is the tool for mind to reveal it's own nature.
The important thing however is to see one's relationship to the method as a real relationship. Like any relationship, it requires nurturing and patience, as well as a conscious effort to keep trying even if it doesn't seem to work in some situations. Meditation is not magic; it is a kind of consistent application of a principle of awareness and letting go. But if it is not working, it is not to blame the method, but rather to reinvigorate one's notion of what the method can do with an applied mind.
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