Balance in Meditation

   During the meditation practice today, I was having the experience of just allowing pain to arise and subside. What kinds of pain? I somehow experienced both my usual physical aches here and there, and the pain that is underneath wandering thoughts. It's often the case that scattered thoughts themselves create a unique psychological pain, which is that of being not so grounded in the present experience. During those times , I really push huatou, even if it feels a bit constricting in the beginning. Later, when I am more relaxed, I am more naturally allowing phenomena to arise, only trying to see the original source of the phenomena.
    What is this 'balance' in meditation, and how does one really achieve it? During my practice in facilitating meditation, I often struggle to articulate it, much less discover it in myself. Throughout his books, Master Sheng Yen emphasizes being determined to be with one's method regardless of the situation that arises in mind. Faith in method is so important, because it simplifies the process of meditation and provides a way to calm the mind through a kind of relaxed focus. On the other hand, once the mind is calm, trying to focus almost has the opposite effect of creating an agitated state, which is at odds with arising thoughts. In those situations, one must be completely at ease with anything that is arising.
   What allows that balance to take place? I think that over time, when I am sticking closely to a method of huatou, I start to develop a kind of confidence. The confidence is coming from the way the mind is. Mind itself is not an object, yet it's capable of accommodating every object. In this way, the mind cannot be grasped, but at the same time, there is nothing 'graspable' that can obstruct the mind. When I point to the mind, it's not to get rid of the phenomena or treat them as obstacles. Rather, there is a confidence that the phenomena are part of mind, and always part of that mind. But in order to really feel that confidence to 'relax in the midst of phenomena', there has to be a focus to settle the mind first.
   Is this 'confidence' I am describing innate? Is it learned? I think that it is coming from the awareness itself, and letting go of looking for awareness by seeking and rejecting phenomena. It is a kind of perhaps natural awareness that is always letting go at every moment, never really clinging to anything by nature. But in order to arrive at it, one somehow has to let go of all the ways one tries to grasp at one's identity as though it were something out there that needs to be gained or achieved. This is a balance that forms a kind of adventure in meditation.