Authenticity and Cynicism

   I was thinking tonight about the relationship between being 'authentic' and being cynical. And I put one of these words in quotations because it can be hard to tell what is really authentic and what is not so much. Quite often a person might think they know who they are and how they feel, but then what they are feeling might only be a reaction to some deeper pain that they haven't recognized or fully acknowledged. It's also possible that a person's entire makeup and way of being is a reaction to an unacknowledged, deep pain. So in that case, is a person who is reacting against her or his own repressed pain being 'authentic'? I think that care must be taken when using this word. Yet, many people use the term authenticity or its related expression of 'being oneself'  to justify a life of reacting to pain rather than embracing pain fully.
     How does a person avoid the situation of confusing authentic being with a kind of 'cynicism' that tries to skim over pain? This is something I am trying to practice in myself.. I find that in the mornings when my mind is fairly clear, I can do some meditation, and this can help me to be calm and not react to situations with like or dislikes. But over the course of the day, the more subtle reactions can start to take shape, such as emotional responses to work or the reactions we might feel to the body. Cynicism is a kind of short cut to dealing with the pain: it tends to generalize that things are 'terrible' when actually things are complex and nuanced, neither black or white. A cynical way of looking at a situation might be to dismiss oneself as not good enough to embrace a situation completely: "this is way too much for me to handle, I am not spiritual enough", a person might say, and doing so would lose their practice of being present. In this situation, I find it's important to remind myself of a pure intention to be lovingly present and accept every moment as it is. Even 'pain' can be embraced in this way, not looked upon as a fault in one's character, but as something that can be enjoyed fully as a conscious practice of 'being with'.
    Another misunderstanding that sometimes leads to a cynical or 'burned out' view is  the confusion between a doubting, outsider's perspective and genuine non-attachment. For instance, a person might say: "All my troubles come from the fact that I care too much,  so I should stop trying to care, and then I will have fewer problems." But this kind of attitude only leads to complete, defensive disengagement, as well as fear of getting too involved in the details of life.  And it also leads to a tired, almost rudderless approach to life. But this attitude does not need to be the only response to emotional challenges. An alternative would be to respect the kinds of polarities and tension of opposites that are contained in a challenge: the tension between going in confidently and running away, embracing change and upholding stability, solitude and support.
    I find that a good practice for me is to look at the way I am thinking and to ask myself: from which attitude does this thought arise? If I am thinking I cannot handle a situation, is it coming from an accurate view of myself, or is it a form of trying to disengage from what I dislike or don't fully understand? When I find myself slipping into a detachment or self-deprecating view, I can adjust to ask myself what good it does me to harbor inferior views of who I am. In this way, I re-calibrate myself so that I am able to confidently behold mystery and delve deeper into a spiritual life.