After the meditation this morning, I had a feeling of insignificance. In a sense, it was a good feeling. I thought: who am I to facilitate the meditation when I am so fragile and often worthless? Even though it was harsh, the thought opened up a space for myself to reflect. I was able to understand, at least for a moment, that I didn't need to be or even feel significant to survive and function in the world.
All human beings have some kind of responsibility to others, coming from previous lifetimes and seeds. To fulfill those duties, people need to work and serve others. But this doesn't necessarily mean that a person will be significant to others. In Master Sheng Yen's commentary on the Surangama Sutra, Until We Reach Buddhahood, he describes the way one of his practitioners felt he could never raise a family or marry, because he felt that he couldn't do anything right. Master Sheng Yen suggests that the practitioner take responsibility precisely because he feels worthless, rather than withdraw from it altogether. Afterward, the practitioner comes back to Master Sheng Yen and reports that he feels much better, having decided to commit to a marriage. The practitioner reports that he still considers himself useless but he nonetheless is able to feel a sense of responsibility in a committed life (see pages 134 to 145 for the full story).
Master Sheng Yen's point is to suggest that what a person can contribute to a greater community shapes the way she or he sees the world. When I do something for the volunteer organization at DDM, my view of the world changes, because there is no longer just an isolated "I". I am part of the greater world, and what I can contribute in a small way makes a difference to that community. However, it's notable that none of this changes how I see myself. I am still insignificant, in the sense that there is nothing outstanding about me. But even if I am not who I wish I could be, I am still part of something bigger than me, and that motivates me to contribute to society.
I think that this lesson is important for me because it teaches me to try to let go of the sense of self, or at least the self I wish I could be in others' eyes. I might evaluate myself as a good student, a good writer, a good friend or person, but this self-evaluation can be so deceiving. I can never know who I am or how I am doing to others, because I cannot see through their eyes. And even if I could, it is bound to change from one moment to the next. If that is the case, I should not look to anyone else to motivate me. I need to look to a more general sense of what needs doing, and volunteer myself as much as possible. Otherwise, I will only deceive myself into thinking I am doing well, when maybe my contribution is insignificant to others. In other words, I have to keep in the present and work hard, and not rely on what was done in the past.
But another aspect of this teaching, is that I think I can relate to the person who sees himself as useless. I have struggled with those feelings all my life: not doing enough, not being enough, not going far enough. It is was keeps pushing me to do more and more. Maybe it is the way that humans are motivated to do their best in society. But if I keep worrying about how I am seen to others, this is also missing the point. Even if everyone disliked me or didn't think I have a value, I still need to contribute. So there is a sense that even if I am not valued to others, I still need to contribute in as best a way as I can. This means that I need to learn to be comfortable with being useless in other people's eyes, so that I can still function with others and get along with them. Otherwise, I will feel depressed and unable to function. This insight is also about letting go of attachment to self, and realizing impermanence.
Master Sheng Yen, Until We Reach Buddhahood: Lectures on the Surangama Sutra Volume One. Elmhurst: Dharma Drum Publications
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