At Spadina Subway station, on a stairwell, a woman slowly descends the steps. In one hand, she sports a long white and red cane,while on the other hand,she has a tight leash. A black coated seeing eye dog slowly guides the woman down each step, one by one, until he stops midway at the middle point of the stairwell. The woman, noticing those slight hesitations, immediately pipes up,
"Why are you hesitating?" she asks. She quickly tugs on the leash to encourage the dog, as well as to hasten herself to catch a train that hasn't arrived yet. Meanwhile, her companion, a young man in his twenties, walks confidently beside her and verbally explains to her all the objects in front of her,
"I don't understand this dog at all," the woman remarks, as they finally reach the bottom of the stairwell together.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs,I too become curious about the dog's hesitations. When I spot him, I see him eyeing the subway platform with an uncertainty that almost bordered on embarrassment.I wondered, what is this dog thinking? Perhaps the dog is confused because its owner decided to take a steep flight of stairs rather than take an elevator or escalator.Or maybe there are so many people on the platform that the dog feels unsure of itself or its role. Better still, maybe the dog is simply new to its job.Seeing that the size of the dog is quite small compared to others of its kind, I guess that the dog might be quite new to this job.
I am even tempted to approach the dog and at least console him for his hesitation and uncertainty, but then I remember that I am not supposed to disturb seeing eye dogs when they are on their duties. So, I amble close to the far end of the platform, never quite getting a chance to return the dog's lonely gaze.
***
There is something quite miraculous and even mysterious about seeing the uncertainty of another being. Perhaps it is all just a projection of one's own inner uncertainty. I am not sure if the dog-owner was reading into the dog's hesitation her own mixed feelings about not knowing where she is going. I sometimes find this situation happening when I am not sure whether I want to be in a situation or not, or engage in some social activity such as watching a particular movie. Rather than cluing into my own uncertainty, I might subconsciously project it onto someone else. I have also heard couples say something like "where are we going to now?" "....|"It's up to you..."... "no, no,it's really up to you". Finally, once the couple decides where they are going and one of the two does not like their destination after all, she or he will say, "well,this was your idea...I had no say in it!" But in reality, the person's uncertainty colored the experience itself. Somehow, the person was unable to commit to a line or action or throw her or himself into the present moment, once the decision was made.
Is it a contradiction to see uncertainty in a being whose role is to 'guide' another being? Some people feel that uncertainty is a sign of unprofessional behavior, something like 'not knowing your stuff'. But without encountering one's questions, life would just be a series of automatic judgments, a little bit like what happens when one does the same work again and again for many years. It's true that one becomes more proficient in that way, but the ability to be in an unknown situation becomes threatening to that sense of security. Sometimes it can be a good idea to immerse oneself in the experience of simply being unsure, of being hazy, or of having a deep question but not yet knowing what that question is. That seems to be the beginning of the knowing gaze,the wandering eye, and the soft look that pulls a being away from a habit path around others,
The wonderful thing about uncertainty is that it is very close to the living pulse of possibility. It moves and beats according to it. But it can be scary, and I saw my own fear in the dog's eyes. Uncertainty can help one to raise one's eyes a bit and see another compassionately, with a bare and vulnerable presence.
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