Spiritual Humility

Knowing that I am falling, does this mean that I am past the point of redemption? Sometimes knowing that I am falling is the only way to open up to something higher than myself, such as a teaching.

Knowing the impurities of mind, does this mean my soul is damned? Sometimes the awareness of impurities is the path to health and healing.

I was at the Buddhist class today, and I had this thought. Even though the discussion of the Three Wisdoms (listening, thoughts, action), the Three Studies (Silas, Samadhi and Prajna) seemed pretty clear as a well-worn map, my thoughts about it were pretty muddy. I started to think: how on earth can I keep watch of all the things that happen in mind, and maintain purity of mind? How can I strive to have right effort, right concentration, right thoughts, and right actions at every moment in my life? The task started to look daunting to me, as I contemplated this notion. For a while, I really had a sense of the magnitude of spiritual practice. It is not an easy thing to maintain a relaxed attitude and follow all the phases of the noble path. But something else happened in the meantime. For a brief moment, the magnitude I felt about this task invited me to let go and admit my lack of preparation for this task.  I had to admit that I am always beginning in this practice, with whatever I am at this moment. Knowing this itself means I let go of the desire to perfect myself. There really isn’t a ‘self to measure’ in this practice. As soon as I think there is a self, that thought has already passed. This doesn’t mean that I don’t try to change anything, but it means that I need to be prepared to let go of who I think I am at any given time in the process. This is a kind of gentle yielding into the present moment.

I was also reminded of a few teachers I have come across in my readings who stressed the importance of elevating others over oneself as a form of spiritual practice. St Francis of Assisi is one of those teachers, as he practiced a kind of spiritual impoverishment. He elevated even the smallest of creatures above himself, and considered himself to be a kind of servant to all beings. The anonymous writer of Cloud of Unknowing was another such writer who seemed to be going into this direction of self-emptying, as was the nameless  writer of another great book, Way of the Pilgrim. Of course, this form of self-impoverishment is very hard to do, and I don’t think that I am able to achieve it yet. But often, by really facing the fact that I am not ‘there’ yet, I let go of the fetter of the self-assured ego. I am no longer put in a position where I am falsely believing I have things ‘all together’ and there is nothing new to learn from other beings. By self-emptying, I am able to experience the gifts that others have, without pressuring myself to adopt or covet those same gifts.

I think that this might also be described as knowing that we are really just waves on an ocean, and our existence is one moment in many eons. Many Buddhist sutras seem to suggest this approach of opening the mind into an inconceivable vastness. If the Buddhas are as many as the grains of sand in a beach, what are my own problems and vexations compared to that? Thinking in this way, I become less attached to my own minor achievements in life. And in this way, I may start to surrender to forces in the universe that might better assist me. I believe this is where the balance between the Three Wisdoms (listening, thought and action) come into play. Too much thought without listening creates a kind of stubborn thinking that overlooks the knowledge that other beings have. Of course, listening without thought can also create a passivity that doesn’t make the thought my own.  But it does seem to me that modern North American culture values active thought and speech over listening, and this is unfortunate. It potentially denies the power of yielding the ego to the mysterious circumstances and forces around us, thus enriching the compass of my experience. But the experience of humility might also help me to realize that 'not knowing' what others may know is not going to annihilate me, and appreciating others for their gifts does not invalidate my own gifts.