Abandoned Doll on A Park Bench

This morning was rainy and wet. As I strolled past a small park to get to work, I spotted a plastic doll and some old books sitting on an otherwise abandoned park bench. For a brief moment, I wondered: to whom do these items belong? Judging from the condition of the objects, I assumed that a homeless person had left them on the bench overnight, or perhaps someone in some kind of mental distress. I looked around me to see if anyone was there who could claim these objects. A feeling of fear and discomfort immediately crept over me. I almost thought that the objects were inviting me into some unknown or dangerous space. Still curious, I walked by and carefully edged past the park bench and the adjacent walkway. I kept a brisk rhythm as I dodged the drops of rain. I sidled into the subway station at 6:43 am.

When I saw these objects, I automatically searched for some form of awareness. I attached the object to some separate mind that put them there. And that shaped how I reacted to the objects. Even if there was nobody I can pinpoint as the “owner”, I still imagined that the abandoned objects must belong to someone. And who could that be? I looked for the other voice, the other mind, the other being. But in reality, I was only projecting my own awareness onto the doll. I see my own fear in the doll. I see mistrust, and I fear some other person who is separate from me. I fear someone who might be opposed to ‘me’.  In those brief moments, my mind is disturbed. But what am I really seeing? Am I seeing the actual form of the doll, or am I seeing the mind? Are all those feelings and thoughts coming from the items on the bench? Or is it coming from awareness?

I wonder if most of what I see comes from the same processes. One process is that I think there is a separate “me” that is going to work. And I inhabit that “me”, and I spend time protecting “me”, trying to survive and trying to get through the day. Then I think: there are separate beings out there with their own separate awareness. And maybe those beings might be against my own will, or maybe they will be with me. I make distinctions: this person is friendly, this person isn’t helpful, that person is ‘neutral’, and so on. I continue to do this with each situation. I distinguish ‘my will’ and ‘my preference’ from that of ‘the world and others’. But all these distinctions seem to be based on attaching ‘me’ to this body and ‘these feelings’. And I separate ‘me’ and ‘my feelings’ from other beings, and other feelings. This is a very constricting belief. What is the alternative?

This doesn’t seem to be a rigid pattern that is fixed. I can question the process. But questioning the process requires really basic inquiry. One line of inquiry is to ask, “what can I do to be safer and protect myself?” But the inquiry I am talking about is different. It doesn’t necessarily assume that there is a separate self. I might ask: what makes me think that my being is separate from what is outside my body? I feel my body, I see my hands, and I see the doll. But why do I assume that this body is “me” and the doll is “not me”? Are they not coming from the same experience? The same goes with feelings. Where do the feelings come from? Do they belong to me? This kind of inquiry doesn’t mean that there are no reactions. But it means that the reactions are part of a total experience.

 It is hardly possible to separate elements of that experience into what is mine and what is ‘out there’ or someone else. In that sense, what is experienced is always from the same awareness. When a reaction arises in mind (such as fear), do I think the fear is ‘me’? Then I would attach to that fear and ignore the other qualities of the experience. But if I try to convince myself that the fear is not part of me, I am also still creating another sense of self. So, I can just notice the reaction, but I don’t need to believe that it is linked to a self. I just see it as a reaction arising in mind. But then there are a lot of things arising in mind. Is the reaction the ‘true me’? If I look at it, there is no reason to think that the emotion is closer to ‘me’ than other elements of that experience. They are all equal parts of the experience. So I don’t need to attach the reactions to a self. I can observe the reaction as part of a total process.

When I am dreaming, what part of me wakes up from the dream? Can I tell ‘who’ wakes up by looking at the dream itself? In the dream, “I” am all the parts. I am all the actors in the dream. It would seem a bit absurd to try to separate the ‘me’ in the dream from ‘others’ when it is all one big dream. But in waking life, I still try to separate an actor from the things around me. Do I need to do that? When at work, the boss says “you need to help with this”. I see that help needs to be given, and I follow the instruction. Who gives the instruction? And who accepts the instruction? To function in the workplace, do I really need to clearly separate these in order to harmonize and get the work done? In fact, there is interaction of different elements. Do I need to make a clear distinction between what comes from me and what is in the environment?

As I walk home today, I see the same doll sitting on the park bench. It is sunny and warm. The morning rain forms a faint shadow of a puddle on the sidewalk. And I pass by again. There is no fear this time. I see the doll in a different way. And I pass a sign that reads: “Please Do Not Park Between Signs”. The sign seemed to be telling me to keep moving, and don’t get stuck in one place. So I walk away from the park and head home.