During the meditation sharing tonight, a practitioner explored his idea of meditation allowing him to feel more "in control" of situations around him, especially in his relations with others. Rather than simply reacting automatically to situations by dismissing or becoming defensive around someone who might seem disarming or threatening, this practitioner finds that meditation allows him to slow down his sense of time around others. This allows him, in his words, to "analyse" the situation much better to see what kinds of things might be going on between him and the other person. One way is by exploring or even theorizing about why a person behaves as they do, so that a person does not take the blame when a relationship is not working very well. Sometimes, as this practitioner related, one needs to leave the other person to his or her own "swamp" of emotions rather than trying to become enmeshed in them.
I am not too sure that "control" is quite the right word for these kinds of situations. Meditation is not necessarily leading to a better sense of control, so much as it is more about understanding that one's reactions are based on the mind's creations, not something or someone that exists independently. This is a very hard thing to realize, because in fact, most people find themselves inadvertently creating an "other" who is somehow independent of the situation. It creates all sorts of paradoxical and somewhat "knot-like" situations.
Recently, there is a popular song out there called "Kill Em With Kindness", and somehow I think the title itself says a lot. For one, it's a paradox to kill with kindness-- unless, of course, the "kindness" is just an outer expression for an internal resentment against someone. To me, the paradox of trying to get back at someone by being extremely nice to them seems to illustrate that greater paradox of what happens when people become very proficient in their meditation practice and have positive experiences. Sometimes, one gets this illusion that their life is suddenly "together" or they are "in control" of a situation, when what has often happened is that a person has learned to let go (to some degree) of the need to control.
Put it this way: the more desires I have, be they for entertainment or sweet foods, or other forms of escape, the more likely I will have vexations in my mind. I will become so wrapped up in comfort as long as my desires multiply. When I am able to put down some of these desires and experience a state of gentle refraining from indulging pleasurable scenarios, then I start to soften my personality: I don't need so many things to feel peaceful in mind and body. This might seem like having more control, but actually it's really more about having fewer desires or inclinations to try to manipulate the world according to one's wishes. In this way, stability of mind can be discovered.
To go back to the earlier paradox: sometimes, we might achieve some state of equilibrium, only to find that we use this temporary state of energy and stability to then project our unwanted anxieties or vexations onto others. It may look something like, "I can now be peaceful without so and so. Which means, stick it to so and so!" But what then happens is that we engage more and more in this dislike or venting against so and so, thus going back into a cycle of resentment and ambiguity (if I truly disliked so and so, why are they so important to me?). The idea is that I am trying to create a temporary oasis but as soon as I start conceiving "others" in relation to it, those others threaten to tear down the oasis, and thus I get back to this "self" and "other" differentiation.
All of these "knot like" situations are really forms of entanglement, and they end up just going back to suffering. It's only when I can really experience the lack of self/other as discreet substances that I can really have peace and not be disturbed by situations. But this state of renouncing self/other dualism is hard to really experience. It takes time and practice, and I can't say I am there yet.
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