Gratitude as a Process

 I don't see gratitude so much as a giving and exchange as it is an appreciative process. Last night, during the group meditation practice, I described the ability to appreciate being in the moment, without that overhanging expectation of having to give or having to receive. This is a kind of transcendent gratitude which is not attaching to forms of any kind, and I think it comes pretty close to inter-being of sorts. Unfortunately, I find that this kind of gratitude is often not easily cultivated because we are always rushing to the next moment.
   Writing is an interesting example. There are these different orientations toward writing a daily blog which I have often experienced from time to time, and all of them are reflections of my state of mind. Since I committed to trying to write an online journal daily, I have this drive to keep doing so, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I "feel like" writing everyday or am passionate about it. There are times when the writing is dry, and I just decide to go with an idea that I feel like exploring, without expecting too much out of it. Other times, I worry about not having anything to say at all, so I don't start with any idea: I just write and see what comes out from it. If I am in a particularly rushed mood, I might experience writing as "something to endure" so that I consider the task as "completed". I am surprised to recognize that all these attitudes co-exist within me. Now, is one of these orientations better, or more superior than the other? I think this is the interesting part, because in fact, when I accept all of them as part of my experience of writing itself, I can relax knowing that it's just a practice.
   When I was a small child, I remember a time when I was in a bookstore and I was literally agonizing because my mom had asked me to choose just one book that I could have. I wasn't able to choose at all: although most of the children's books looked colorful, there wasn't one "outstanding" one that made me want to choose it exclusively over and above the others. Finally, my mom demanded that I choose right at once, at which point I randomly (somewhat) chose something that appealed to me just a bit. Later, when I took the book home, I found many reasons to enjoy it. Now where did the anxiety come from in the beginning? It's likely from the attitude of picking and choosing. If I were really appreciative, I would have been able to see the experience of choosing  as an adventure, where there are no winners or losers. But instead, my mindset was locked into an idea of what I should be choosing and why (what criteria). This tells me that there is a tension between an appreciative approach to life, and a more structured approach which might involve trying to standardize our views about things through pre-set criteria.