"Neurotic Pride"

  One of the things I remember Chan teacher Gilbert discussing this past weekend is how consciousness often seeks objects. It is as though, in order to affirm its existence, the conscious part of our mind is always looking for ways to objectify something and then own it or claim it as ours. It also reminds me of an expression called "neurotic pride" which was coined by the psychologist Karen Horney to describe certain kinds of pride in being something which doesn't really amount to much but might be a form of self-reference which allays anxiety. For instance, a person might pride herself on being the calmest person in the room, or even the least "gossipy" person in the room, as though these were fixed markers or attributes about a person. In these instances, it is as though the person were looking for a way to symbolize themselves so that they know who exactly they are at any given point in time. But does any of us really and truly know who we are?
   The point is that having a specific object is often a way of stabilizing one's mind, and I think this is one of the positive aspects of 'neurotic pride' (or attachment in general) which can get underplayed. In a sense, I feel that all these forms of object-creation are attempts, albeit misguided at times, to calm the mind sufficiently to the point where the mind's natural clarity might appear. Without 'objects', people who are beginning a spiritual or inner path may not have sufficient reference points to curb their anxiety, and I sometimes think that even neurotic pride is one attempt to calm the mind. Even the breath is an 'object' of meditation. Unlike other objects, however, the breath is simple enough that it can allow the mind to illuminate all things rather than getting caught up in one thing. Meditation methods are such that it's nearly impossible to be attached to them, simply because they are things one often takes for granted, such as the breath or the sound of a name, or even the body sensation.
 And with something that simple as observing the breath, it is hardly possible to form a self around it, since we are dealing more and more with objects that are short lived and transient.