Many psychologists have emphasized the importance of interpersonal communication-- so much so that it has become a kind of 'buzz' phrase for a successful interaction with others. But I notice that many of the authors I have read emphasize quality of content, rather than looking at the act of interchange itself. I sometimes feel that too much emphasis on 'content' of conversation overlooks the deeper dynamic of fully being present for a person. How often can a person, in the everyday stress of life, really take time to fully in the moment with someone? I fear that too much emphasis on 'rules of engagement' can leave the interaction as more of a strategy rather than valued as an end in itself. For this reason, I almost want to let go of rules altogether and focus on the element of being present in a conversation, even to the point of being present with "disengagement", if that is the case.
I recently read a wonderful chapter by Buddhist monk Sakyong Mipham, which emphasizes the linkage between 'being with' and community building. Mipham describes the kinds of qualities he cultivated while engaging in dinner conversations with his father, many of which are common qualities in spiritual practice:
"By simply acknowledging my father, I was engendering respect. By hearing him, I was discovering kindness. By enjoying him enjoy his meal, I was discovering love. By not immediately coming to a conclusion about what he was saying and becoming upset that I did not agree, I was developing patience. By trying to see things from his point of view, I was developing understanding. By simply paying attention and being in the moment, I was developing mindfulness. By being curious, I was sharpening my intelligence. By listening to his stories and hearing what he had been through, I was using empathy to connect. By giving him my time, I was cultivating generosity. By appreciating the opportunity just to have this moment, I was feeling gratitude. By letting go of what I was planning to say next and listening to his words, I was experiencing selflessness...."(p.87-88)
Mipham uses an amazing observation of his interaction to suggest that people can cultivate spiritual qualities in their daily interactions with others, as long as they are really putting their full attention, awareness and care into the experience.
One of the most interesting elements is a kind of letting go of self-grasping and the need to always be in control or steer a conversation in a certain way. This is a tough one, because a lot of spiritual practitioners might try to assess the spiritual meaning or value of an interaction before they can fully know or see the unique symbolic elements it poses. I found that even spiritual teachings can be used in subtle ways to 'control' how we experience a conversation, by prematurely cutting off the full potential that is contained in the interaction itself. One can use any number of concepts such as 'impermanence' to disengage from a conversation rather than relax into the experience of conversing. For this reason, I see how important it is to meet another person (and oneself) at face value, rather than trying to steer the interaction toward a desired meaning.
Another subtle aspect of this teaching is observing when I try to grade interactions by a certain standard of being engaged/disengaged. As Mipham describes in this chapter, it's quite possible to not get along with another person very well and yet still believe in the importance of being present for the energy of that interaction. It's not so much about the relation itself but cultivating one's own abilities, as Mipham suggests in his chapter. But as I was reading this chapter, I had to wonder: is it possible to genuinely contact with the sense of inter-being when there is so much pressure to maintain a certain social status or position? It would be a revolution in a sense if people began to realize that status is not necessary to community, and people can be confident in who they are without trying to prove that they belong in a community.
Mipham, Sakyong, (2013), the Shambhala Principle: Discovering Humanity's Hidden Treasure. New York: Harmony
No comments:
Post a Comment