I want to elaborate a bit on the theme of trying to perfect the self as an impediment to living. In my previous entry, I had explored the idea of attachment to emptiness, and how it can often create an isolating situation. This is especially so if a practitioner tries to use meditation to isolate themselves from the chaotic and often messy world. I want to elaborate on some ways of looking at this situation or reframing it in helpful ways so that practitioners can engage in a world that is fraught with impermanence.
I think it's important to realize that there is no permanent self to perfect. Conditions are constantly changing, goals are changing, and there are always new problems to solve. When I look at my own life so far, it often seems like a shifting array of challenges and problems, almost like waves in an ocean. I might have a problem that I think it unsurmountable and so difficult, only to realize later that this is not the case at all. It's just that conditions were not ripe yet for a solution to arise. This happened to me in my last semester in my degree program, where I struggled with trying to come up with a good assignment for my teaching writing course. There was a point where the professor suggested that I completely reframe my assignment, and I remember feeling the frustration of simply being up against a brick wall--not knowing what to do. And I generalized it to mean that "I" was simply not able to surmount that problem. This created quite a bit of despair for me. But in reality, there is no static 'container' that has all the answers. There isn't this static 'self' who is an expert at everything all the time. Sometimes, I might actually get stuck on a problem, then abandon it for a while (at least consciously) only to find later that a solution will arrive in mind. But there are other times when I might discover something from someone else or from a book that might reframe how I see a problem. Sometimes it just takes re-orientation to allow me to reframe the problem in a different way.
Sometimes it's important to persist in trying to find resources and ideas, while waiting for solutions to arise or plans to develop. This waiting is not necessarily about doing nothing, but it might involve stopping for a while and, as Joan Halifax is fond of saying, 'just showing up' for an experience and all its complexity. There is nothing wrong with stopping and observing what is, even if it means seeing that one is in a painful and unknowable transition. And again, I emphasize that this does not mean stagnating. But it might mean taking a break from routine to gather new information or learn something from others that is different from what one knows. It might involve taking a break from a familiar pattern of learning to integrate some new learning or insight in a different field.
Sometimes, when I try very hard to do well in one thing (such as a spiritual practice), I only end up reinforcing the self that wants to perfect itself. As Caroline Brazier remarks in Buddhist Psychology:
Buddhism encourages us to aspire higher. The object of aspiration may be far beyond our grasp. In accepting this, we experience the failure of effort. We recognize how impotent we really are to effect what we set ourselves to do. This experience is an important part of preparing ourselves for the inspirational encounter. We have to recognize the limitations of the self....Secretly, the self wants perfection; so, in making perfection our aim, we test ourselves. There is always a part of us that believes itself to be omnipotent. This primitive self is constantly ambitious and seeking aggrandizement. In setting impossible targets, this self strives to accomplish the impossible and inevitably fails (p.202-303).
Brazier distinguishes between 'aspiration' and 'inspiration' in spiritual practice. Aspiration means trying to use self-power (such as through meditation or reading sutras) to attain a personal awakening and fulfill the potentials to discover one's own enlightened nature. "Inspiration", on the other hand, entails finding spiritual insight in an encounter with others (such as relationships, teachers or Dharma friends) which helps people along the way. I believe Brazier is suggesting that both are in balance with each other. If I am only relying on self-power, I end up feeding the delusion that the self is the true mind, and is all that is needed for enlightenment. This inevitably ends up in failure. But, as Brazier intimates, this failure is valuable because it opens people up to two insights. The first is that the self is a temporary illusion that has no permanence or power of its very own. The second is that all being is interconnected, and that life is the balance of this interconnection. To be enlightened is to fully be with this interconnection and to know that the interconnection is true mind, not something that only exists in this body. When I act in this understanding, I don't need to cling to concepts of self or other, as though these were static and unchanging givens. But making an 'impossible vow' is an important part of realizing the reality of no-self. Without impossible vows, it would be hard to shatter the sense of self.
Brazier, Caroline (2003),Buddhist Psychology: Liberate your mind, embrace life. London: Robinson.
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