I remember first hearing Master Sheng Yen's remark, "In broadly sowing the fields of merit, why fear any hardship or rebuke?" At the time I first heard this sentence, I had to admit a certain fear. The fear I had was that trying to do good things for others puts me at a risk for rejection or even criticism, especially by those whose standards or goals are different from mine. For instance, I may want to help others through a certain kind of volunteer job or initiative, only to find that the person does not want this kind of help that I offer. The person might even reject my help, believing that it is doing more harm to that person or others, even when my intention is to benefit others. I suppose the good example of this situation is when a person sincerely wants to become a physician to heal the sick, only to later find that she or he lacks the qualifications or mindset to do so. Of course, the example is quite extreme, but it suffices to ask the point: how to overcome the fear of rebuke or criticism, even when one is doing one's sincere best?
Part the answer to this question likely lies in the term 'broadly sowing'. I think it implies that giving is done without particular attachment to very specific relationships or outcomes. I have lately been practicing mindfulness of what my real intention is when performing an act of volunteering or giving of my time and companionship. To sincerely give to others, I found I have needed to simply let go of preconceived notions of how it should go or who I 'should' be, even risking showing my rough spots and ignorance on many things. Sometimes, in certain areas, I have only a contrite heart to give, especially if there are some areas where I am lacking in skill and knowledge. I tell myself: I don't know enough about this subject or situation to help in a meaningful way, but I will try to learn anyway. Even if I don't learn a lot or still show ignorance, at least being present can be helpful for someone else to work out their own ideas on a topic.
When I had been living in my old place on Bathurst and Sheppard, my neighbor upstairs would sometimes sound out his ideas while I could only politely listen, not knowing too much about his specific difficulties in health and marriage. Finally, he would get up and say 'thank you for giving me that idea'-when in fact it was he who came up with the idea in the first place, not me! But I still felt his gratitude in recognizing that I had played a minor role in helping him formulate his ideas. You can see that sometimes having a listening presence and an open ear can be a gift to someone else, as well as contribute to the thought energy of a dialogue.
But when it comes to dealing with inevitable rejection and criticism, what do Buddhist teachings in particular offer? Part of what helps is to know that criticism is a natural part of the process of being with others. For example, even if I feel that I am doing something truly well, this is only my conditioned thinking that deems it that way. Others will have their own conditioned thinking based on their own experiences and even moods. Because I am simply not able to anticipate or even control how others might respond to ideas or help, the best I can do is focus on the quality and thoroughness of what I do. But I should not expect to receive only positive reinforcement, as human beings are always unpredictable and subject to endless conditioning of their own.
Another key aspect in Buddhist teachings is that the self and its views are constantly changing. On this subject, Dzigar Kontrul Rinpoche remarks in Uncommon Happiness, "Emotional pain is feeling hurt. If you really look at who is hurt, nobody is hurt, since there is no self to hurt! It is only the mind that has gotten into this place where it feels hurt." (p.65). By contemplating that there is no 'self' having emotional pain, I can see that all the thoughts are temporary, and I am not so desperate to throw off the pain I feel through criticism or rejection. Hence, "When we realize there is no one to be hurt, only the mind imagining it is hurt, then the desperation is diffused, as it is recognized to be pointless. Everything passes; this feeling of hurt will also pass." (ibid)
What I experience from this point is that, as long as I don't cherish a self that is the brunt of suffering, I create a freedom to let the pain surface in me and dissipate on its own. If I know that the pain comes from the interdependent arising of conditions acting on a sense of self, I also am freed up to observe it and let it go on its own time. I don't need to rush the pain to go away, only observe my habitual defensiveness of shutting down in relation to that pain. I can see that this 'self' is only a mental projection of who I think is offended by the criticism. But that self I am seeing is not truly awareness or truly that which is aware. So there is no need for me to exacerbate the pain by telling myself "I am stupid" or "I am hopeless". There just isn't any need to add this layer of "I am" to what is arising in mind.
When I am fully accepting that there is no fixed and permanent self, I am no longer locked into shame or embarrassment whenever someone exposes a mistake I made. In fact, there isn't a coherent self who makes the mistake in isolation. That mistake is compounded from previous experiences, bodily conditions, habitual thinking, assumptions, education, and so on. Why would I need to blame it on the 'self' that isn't a static self to begin with? Paradoxically, this insight gives me room to take more responsibility, because I am not fixating on this imaginary 'self' that is supposedly the source of all evil. I am no longer locked in a sense of hopelessness. I can resolve to change certain things or correct certain behaviors, without the added sense of 'shame' around being the sole and permanent agent of the actions.
Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche (2009), Uncommon Happiness: The Path of the Compassionate Warrior.. Hong Kong: Rangjung Yeshe Publications
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